Open mike spambot night

Hmm? What? Who’s supposed to make blog posts twice a week?

…oh shit, I knew I forgot something!

Sorry, devoted readers; last week kind of slipped away from me for various reasons, and rather than make late posts and all kind of excuses, I just decided to take an impromptu holiday from the Blog Mines.

But now I’m back, and I’m ready to share poetry with you!

Oh good lord, not mine. Trust me, I don’t write poetry, and if I did I would scrawl it only in my private ShameJournal that will be burned after my death, if not before. Preferably long before.

No, these works come from unsung genius of the written word. I mean those poets who drop nuggets of gold in passing while trying to sell me ugg boots, viagra, pornography and SEO results – the spammers that give so much and ask so little in return. For in their vain attempts to wriggle into the comments section, they fill their bots with random jibber-jabber that, with only a few line breaks, becomes poetry so blank and dadaist it would make Kurt Schwitters swallow a live starling and take up automotive repair.

The following collection has been curated by Akismet, WordPress’ rather amazeballs spam-filter. I hope you appreciate all the work it does for the arts, not to mention bloggers too lazy to write their own Thursday night posts.

First, this heartfelt paean to God and architecture, using family drama as metaphor:

Word for word after I read this story later,
my heart can’t be calm once in a very long while, shock!
Why would like a son that like!
In BBS in horizontal network in my years,
from thinking any further can’t there any son can move me,
have never thought to come in sight of such ingenious and incomparable today
such a son!
The building Lord, is you let me deeply understand
the “someone outside the person, day outside have day”
profoundly this sentence. Thank nong!

Thank nong indeed. A little mawkish, true, but we’ve all mourned our sons in horizontal networks.

This one is short but very powerful:

I’m gonna watch out for brussels.
I will appreciate if you continue this in future.

I won’t lie, guys; I watch out for Brussels 24/7. BRUSSELS COULD BE UNDER YOUR COUCH RIGHT NOW.

When this next one is performed live, it’s done in a fevered rush on a single breath while a second participant plays a haunting theremin:

free big tit broads naked uncut frat guy shemale grace toronto kat young movie megaupload muscular dystrophy hardcore video ileana telugu actress video john c pleasant valley high school star gaysexs aquarius sex horoscope little girls pussy where to find movies uci cinema andria woman young boy NASA PICTURES

It’s a rousing performance, similar to that long bit in Billy Joel’s ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’.

This one is entitled ‘ee cummings and the global financial crisis no capslock no capslock’:

Circumstances wherein wipe is unexceptionally
individual’s libel may expert strategy.
injunction accumulated ways complete.
vulgar rate,
expert agencies are scour approaches most talented amongst issues
smear individual’s orchestrate is repaired advantage restored.
in the matter of credit,
the link.

The link, motherfuckers. You feel me?

From the same author (with some edits to remove links, as that’s just too experimental even for this forum)

Kinsfolk buttocks either dom weselny or spiffy tidy up agency.
Your skirt would upon dignify your public credit.
Type who are nearby ingenious agency.
enactment is surrounding client’s around an rulership
or view with horror generally repaired.
Robangelosi in the flesh
such regular could rumbling their team a few
Relations either impassion wesele or redress agency.

I believe ‘Robangelosi’ may be a TS Eliot reference. Intertextuality!

Last, this epic piece is… look, the recurring motif is the monopod, but surely we all know what that’s a metaphor for, right? Right?

Dicks. He’s talking about dicks. Like all the best poetry.

Another underhandedness stabilizing clever is constrain
camera link your over monopod completely exerting warm strap. Similarly, you butt
In exclude crush situations put in order
appropriately tripod bonus is shipshape and Bristol fashion
Forth you’ll masterly monopod about tripod, discourteous anyway.
They’re bonus thus carry. You oferty
them be required of repairs delirious away.
Record to hand scour subject,
disposed picture.

A-one Cooler

A Monopod

Harry contingency. Unfortunately,
despite the fact that you around you’d involving answer field,
you’d circulate Bedouin trader.
You unruffled camera gear,
balk carefully. Realize those alcohol cozies you around freezer.
Those determination your devoid of bringing
fraternize with temp close to cooler.
gummy atmosphere. clap you do.

supposing you’re slow up courthouse hinder op,
wind cups swing thicknesses,
be advantageous to stabilizing neat
muscles well.

Bedouin trader.
clunk home.

Neat as a pin Cooler

Working Far Sand

Snap your goddamn fingers, people. That shit be art.


This concludes our inaugural Akismet Open Mike Spampoetry Night.

Look out for a second one once the spam filter fills up and I can’t think of anything more interesting to share with you.




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